Little Dreamer's Eyes

I could barely see you go as the rain fell down my cheeks, glistening off my collarbone, soaking into my shirt. I could taste the salt in the rain as it stuck to my lips, reminding me it was tears I had licked as I closed my mouth and clenched my jaw.

I just stood there.

Screaming inside and losing the words I needed to tell you how I felt. I watched you walk away with the back of your jacket protecting you from the cold drops as they pooled in the creases around the collar. You kept walking as I was there alone, cold and confused. I waited for you to look back.

You never did.

I think I know.

I say I know.

I believe I know.

Then there are brief moments where I think maybe I don't know. There's nothing wrong. Everything's fine. I am not sad and then the possibility that there is no place to go but down, if not up, surfaces.

And suddenly I feel doubt.

I ask questions that need not be asked. I ask questions that have already been answered. I look too far ahead or too far back for this fleeting moment when I just do not know. I want to know. Maybe I say I know because I want to. Maybe I believe I know because I'm trying to convince myself.

Maybe I need to be convinced.

How disappointing it is to realize that maybe I don't know. Maybe all I know is that I feel doubt and the only way I can defeat the doubt is to challenge it by looking it in the face and telling it that I know. That I do not doubt. That I am stronger than doubt and knowing is what makes me stronger.

But that would be only if I knew, without a shadow of a doubt.

I see you and you look better than me. Your hair is longer. Your legs are longer. Your voice is perfect. Your husband is better than mine ever was. Your children can do more than mine. You're a better cook, a better wife, a better friend, a better hostess.

You know this.

Your luck is better. Your job is better. Your parents are better. Your car is better. You have better taste in music, in clothing, in decor. Your house is cleaner. Your faith is better. Your mood is better. You are happier. You feel more love. You feel more respect. You feel more confident.

I see this.

I see this because it is all that you show me. It is all that you show anyone. Including yourself. No one really knows you. How you feel. What you see. What you hear. If you're truly happy.

I can see through you, yet I stop at your heart where you are just like anyone else. I wish that you would stop there sometime too.

It would make you better.

My face lit by the reflection of your words, smiling, knowing you are reading at the same time.

Silently.

Reading together yet so far apart, with our own lights glowing over our shoulders.

And I turn out my light and say goodnight without you ever hearing my voice, as you are left there reading my words without me.

Smiling.